Eva vs Bayonetta
by Self Insert
Summary: Eva knew she would die, but she would die on her own terms.


The night was still, as if it held its breath. No wind rustled through the leaves; neither beast nor bird broke the silence. The moon shone full that midnight, blanketing the landscape with its magical light. The stars twinkled in the sky, watching over all.

"…My young seeds once again will look up to the sky,

And I know they will grow strong."

Eva closed her lips as she finished her lullaby, and gazed at her sleeping children. It would be their birthday tomorrow, and she had to prepare for it.

She exited the room and quietly closed the door behind her, making her way to her kitchen to bake cakes for her children. Her red dress fluttered slightly with every step she made. They both had a taste for chocolate, just like their father, so she had earlier decided to make two chocolate cakes for them. They would fight over any perceived unfairness and while it was easy enough to stop them from fighting, it was much harder to make them even speak to one another again.

Eva was whipping the batter into a smooth cream when a loud crack broke the peace of the night. She took a quick step to her right and found a hole in the wall in front of where she once stood.

"My," a voice said from behind Eva, "you're just as good as they said you would be." Eva turned to see a woman dressed in black with a smoking handgun in her hand, aimed at her head.

"Could you keep it down?" Eva hissed. Bayonetta noticed that Eva suddenly had a short knife in her hand, pointed right at her neck. "I know you're here to kill me, but if you make a racket you'll give my kids bad dreams."

"You're quite calm for a witch who lost their contract with their Infernal," Bayonetta replied. She kept her gun trained at Eva, with narrowed eyes focused on her target. Her voice may have been playful, but witches like Eva don't get to live for two millennia without learning the tricks to survive. She would take any opportunity she could get to bring her mark down.

"Oh, so they've found out." Eva sighed. "And it's the boys' birthday tomorrow, too. Come, at least help me with a few things." She turned away and continued whipping the batter. "Help me make some cakes and we'll talk later."

Bayonetta took the opening and pulled the trigger, but all the pistol gave was a small click.

"Oh, yes, I forgot to mention, I took out the bullets from your gun." Eva turned her head and grinned like she had told a ridiculous joke. "Also, don't bother trying to reload magically, I'll know."

Bayonetta was unfazed and summoned a small knife to her hand, which she threw at lightning speed at Eva's eyes, which Eva snatched out of midair and flung straight back at her. Bayonetta jumped back, out of the room to dodge it and into the wide corridors of the mansion, guns at the ready. Just because Eva knew she reloaded didn't mean she could do anything about it now, after all.

"I'm glad you respect me enough not to bother using Witch Time, so I'll give you the same courtesy now." Eva conjured the Yamato and grasped it by the scabbard in her left hand. "At the very least, put some silencers on those things!"

"Aww, but I like my guns the way I am!" Bayonetta teased back, and opened fire. Eva spun the Yamato around, catching a bullet and lining it up on the ground with every rotation. A flick of her sword sent the bullets back at Bayonetta just as fast as she fired them at her, who tumbled to her right in the nick of time.

"You mean to say you like your guns trashy and aimless?" Eva sneered. She lunged for Bayonetta who only just managed to get on her feet. Bayonetta parried the blade with the gun in her left hand and pointed the one in her right hand at Eva's face, and pulled the trigger, but not before Eva deflected the gun with the Yamato's scabbard to Bayonetta's right, which sent her off balance.

Eva followed with a kick to Bayonetta's head, but Bayonetta had taken a step back just far enough that it missed by half an inch. Bayonetta's black heels then kicked Eva's outstretched leg to the ceiling, intending to knock Eva off balance, but she used the inertia of the kick to backflip away into a stance where she sheathed the Yamato.

"No, I like them flashy and powerful!" Bayonetta exclaimed, and Eva suddenly noticed that she had guns attached to her black heels as well. Bayonetta kicked at Eva, the guns on her heels firing with every kick. Eva parried the bullets as easily as she parried the black witch's first salvo, and after Bayonetta had to regain her footing, Eva swung with the scabbard at the intruder's head to knock her out. Bayonetta jumped towards Eva before the attack landed and made to grab her long blonde hair, but Eva ducked out of the way and kicked her to the ceiling.

Bayonetta landed on the ceiling with her feet, and propelled herself towards Eva while firing a full clip at Eva, who again simply deflected the bullets.

"Flashy and powerful? Those?" Eva laughed when Bayonetta stopped firing. Bayonetta paused, puzzled at Eva's reaction. Eva whipped out a pair of handguns – a black on in her left hand and a white one in her right. "If you really want to play rough, say hello to my little friends!"

Eva fired the first shot now, and Bayonetta shot the bullet from the air as it whizzed at her. Then Eva fired another, and another, and another, and Bayonetta was keeping up with the tempo just fine – she was firing with both hands and her right foot to counter Eva's barrage. The problem was that her guns couldn't, much like a pipe with too much water forced through it. The barrels were starting to glow red, and even Eva noticed this. She started firing even faster, firing even at the walls of the corridor while enchanting the bullets to ricochet at the intruder.

Bayonetta was being overwhelmed, she knew it, but she couldn't retreat either – Eva was firing so fast that it was limiting her movement. She was locked in place and it was all she could do to defend against the hailstorm from Eva's guns. It didn't help that the guns Rodin gave her weren't up to par just yet. If her guns were a raging river, swift and powerful, then Eva's were waves from the heart of the ocean. It didn't help that Eva was supercharging every bullet she fired while if Bayonetta tried it with the guns she had, they would likely break because they couldn't handle that level of magic.

Eva finished the fight quickly by shooting the guns out from Bayonetta's heels, knocking her off balance. As the black witch fell, Eva shot the guns out from her hands, detaching and destroying the slides, making them useless for anything besides pistol-whipping.

"A good effort, but you have a lot to learn," Eva said. "I'd give you a B." She put away her guns, vanishing just as easily as they appeared, and held out a hand to the black witch. "I never got your name, girl."

Bayonetta looked bemused and surprised. "You're not killing me?"

Eva exhaled slightly in amusement. "We'll talk about that later. Help me bake first."

…

"I am aware that Mundus wants me dead, you know," Eva said. She raised her tea to her lips and took a sip. "Almost every demon down there expressly wants to eliminate the lineage of Sparda. It's been a hard life, and Sparda is gone now, who knows where? It's only going to be a matter of time before they send something I can't take care of while keeping my children safe."

After the two of them finished baking the cakes, they sat down to talk. The two of them were sitting on pillows at Eva's coffee table in her reception room. The only illumination in that room was a chandelier with flickering candles, almost imperceptibly swinging above them. Their shadows swayed with the lights, as if continuing their fight from earlier. On the table were two teapots, sitting there like servants waiting to be called for.

Bayonetta blew on her drink to cool it and took a sip as well, and her eyes widened. "This is good coffee," she said. "I suppose that in exchange for sparing my life, you want me to do you a favor." Bayonetta was still on her guard, her posture relaxed, as if bored, but ready to spring into action at the drop of a hat. She lay on her left side, supported by the plush, soft pillow, holding her head in her left hand as her legs splayed on the ground. She placed the cup back on the table.

"Of course," Eva replied with a small smile on her lips. "We negotiate from a position of strength while we are still in that position, not after." Eva on the other hand was relaxed, but appeared to be alert. She was kneeling on her pillow, with her legs folded beneath her, resting her buttocks on her heels. She held her cup of tea in her right hand, pinky out, and its saucer in her left, the gold inlay glinting in the light of the candles.

Bayonetta sighed. She would be in trouble with her clientele for letting this target go – who knows how many boring, weak angels she would have to bloody up before she could repay that. After a while, she decided that it would still be better than an afterlife in Inferno. "So what do you want?" she said after a moment, taking the cup to her lips and sipping some more Italian roast coffee.

"It's a little complicated. I'll allow you to kill me tomorrow. In exchange, you have to do your best to make sure that my children are not harmed in any way."

Bayonetta gagged on her drink and spat it in Eva's direction.

"First of all, that's insane. You're going to suffer in Inferno for all eternity – I've heard they prepared worse punishments than what the Witch Hunts gave us." Bayonetta looked over her glasses, staring at Eva with narrowed, squinting eyes. "Secondly, how are you dry?"

Eva sighed. "Where did you learn the Umbran Arts?"

Bayonetta shrugged. "I don't know. I just know."

"Hm…" Eva sniffed the air. "Ah. You remind me of my old friend by a lot. She was never taught, and you have the same scent as she does. But really, you've never heard of me?" She finished her cup of tea, and placed the saucer and the cup back on the table.

"Not before taking the hit on you, no."

"Interesting!" Eva's eyes crinkled in amusement. "Well, I can tell that you weren't taught formally. If you were, then you would know why I'm dry, for one."

"Cut to the chase, woman," Bayonetta narrowed her eyes at Eva.

"I'm perfectly sure you heard me the first time. You kill me tomorrow. Bring an army if you feel like it, but make sure that my children are safe."

Bayonetta straightened up, and she sat in a similar fashion to Eva. "You've given thought to this." With how fast Eva gave that decision, Bayonetta had to make sure that she did think about it.

"Yes I have," Eva said. She poured herself another cup of tea. "I know it has its flaws. You're the only one I can negotiate with on this. Demons would never sit down and have coffee with me. And you get to fulfill your end of the bargain to kill me. I would say that's a win-win."

Bayonetta sat in silence for a while. "There's something funny about this situation."

"Hm, do tell."

"You said to negotiate from a position of strength, right?"

"Generally the case, yes."

"Then I am the one in the position of strength here," Bayonetta grinned like a Cheshire cat. "I'm the only one you can trust to take care of your children, so I am the one to decide if this deal pulls through." She looked Eva in the eye and continued. "If you threaten or kill me, who takes care of your children?"

"I'm not threatening to kill you," Eva said, and suddenly, she vanished from Bayonetta's sight. Bayonetta heard the cocking of a handgun and felt something touch her hair like a feather behind her. "If I wanted to kill you, you would have been dead much earlier."

Bayonetta was still unfazed. "And if you can do that, why can't you defend your children yourself?"

Eva reappeared before Bayonetta, squatting and holding her hands together in front of her knees. She faced her, but her eyes looked to the side. After taking a deep breath, she looked her in the eye and replied.

"You are aware what happens when the connection between a witch and her Infernal is cut off, correct?"

"Do you mean when the contract is broken?" Bayonetta looked like she smelled something strange.

"No, when the connection is broken. Those two are similar, but different."

"I've never heard of a situation like that," came the reply.

"I'll tell you what happens," Eva said. "Imagine getting wings like how angels are depicted these days. Beautiful, strong wings, carrying you through the air. You feel like you can do anything. You're walking on the skies, pinching off wisps from the clouds, reaching for the very firmament of the skies. You felt this when you made your contract with your Infernal, yes?"

"I wouldn't describe it like that, but I understand," Bayonetta replied. She raised her cup to drink from it but noticed it was empty.

"Ah, more coffee?"

"Yes please, thank you." Eva picked up the other teapot and poured it in Bayonetta's cup.

"As I was saying. Now imagine that suddenly, you just knew that something had happened to your contracted Infernal. The bond still exists, but…" Eva struggled to find the words. "It's like a part of you, gone."

"I suppose I would know how that feels," Bayonetta replied.

"What do you mean?"

"I woke up in a lake with no memory of who I was. All I have are my abilities as a witch and my duties to the darkness."

"Oh, do tell me more. No memory of who you were? Well then what happened after you woke up?"

"The man who broke the seal on the coffin and woke me up died shortly afterward because I couldn't save him from attacking angels." She said it in a crisp, detached manner, but it was obvious from the way she looked away that it weighed heavily on her, that an innocent man died because he got involved and she couldn't do anything about it, in addition to the fact that his son had to witness his gruesome death by quartering.

"Would you happen to have known this person?" Eva asked.

"The dogtags I got from his remains read 'Antonio Redgrave'. Beyond that, he is a stranger to me."

Eva's eyes widened. "So that's where he went."

"You knew him?"

"Family friend. Often dropped by for drinks with my husband and I. He was always so obsessed with the clans of light and darkness." Eva brought her guns out again, placing them on the table so that Bayonetta could have a closer look. "I commissioned a rework of these guns for him and for my use eventually. These were my husband's, but I needed them modified so that even an ordinary human could use them properly."

Bayonetta looked at the craftsmanship on the guns. On each handle's side was a delicately painted portrait of a woman in Victorian clothing, lace and all. On the ejection side of the slider was a depiction of the sun and moon together, with the words _Luce and Ombra_ etched in gold. "For Tony Redgrave by .45 Art Warks" was lettered in small capitals beneath the slider. "Rodin didn't make these, did he?"

"Hahaha!" Eva wiped a tear of laughter from her eye before she could continue. "No, Rodin didn't. He would overcharge me for it for sure. No, I had this modified by a human. I would say that Old Nellie Goldstein is the best human gunsmith out there."

"They do look good, and I've seen their performance on the wrong end of the barrel. I'll have to ask Rodin to up his game."

"I'd love to see the look on his face when you do," Eva said. "Did he make yours?"

"Yes he did. It was the best he could do with such short notice."

"It's not that bad," Eva replied. She drained her cup of tea. "But I have to say, we've dallied long enough. Will you help me?"

Bayonetta only had to recall the face of the child that had to watch his father die, and her answer was clear.

"Yes I will."

* * *

A/N: One more for Monty Oum.

More will be revealed once I get Volume 1 of Devil May Cry. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I will, and I will finish this storyline. In the meantime, these oneshots are teasers for the full thing.

Cheers! Read and review please.


End file.
